Caring for Yourself When You’re Caring for Someone Ill

by the staff of Kairos Support for Caregivers

Nature has provided us with an incredible survival instinct that is triggered whenever we or our loved ones are in danger. We feel a rush of energy and we rise to the occasion, frequently surprising ourselves with our skills and stamina. For a while, the energy seems unlimited and we feel alert and responsive in spite of a lack of rest. But this survival instinct is designed to get us quickly through a crisis, not to cope with stress on a long term basis. If we do not adequately care for ourselves, eventually, we caregivers reach our limit. We burn out.

Working your way through
It may be hard for you to see how taking care of yourself benefits the person you are caring for as well. But if you have ever experienced the cursory examination of a fatigued physician or the impatience of an overworked nurse, then you have experienced what happens to the quality of care when caregivers do not care for themselves. Here are some self care suggestions.

Pace yourself.
While you may value being strong and independent, you are not superhuman. Acknowledge your limitations. There are certain aspects of caregiving that you may not feel comfortable with or capable of handling. You need not be embarrassed by your limitations; it’s O.K. to ask for help.

Learn to delegate. Make a list of what needs to be done, including those things you can continue doing yourself. Discuss the list with the person you are caring for, if his or her health permits, and determine how others might assist you. Then begin asking for help from relatives and friends. Give people choices and the option to say no. A busy person may still have time to add a few items to his or her shopping list, or to stop at the cleaners.

Acknowledge your strengths.
To care for another requires tremendous resources. The person you are caring for, however, may not be able to express appreciation for all that you are doing. Take time each day to acknowledge your strengths and accomplishments and the gifts that you share through your caregiving.

Talk it over.
As you care for another, you need someone to care about you. Find someone with whom you can safely discuss your feelings and your needs—a friend, a counselor, a pastoral care person. Having someone hear our pain connects us to others and helps us clarify thoughts and resolve issues.

At the same time, don’t forget your sense of humor! Just because the situation is serious doesn’t mean you can’t laugh. Laughter is a way to relieve stress and is a healing influence on the caregiver as well as on the person who is ill.

Nurture your body.
Caregivers tend to ignore their own physical needs. Eating well and exercising are often the last things you think about when you are exhausted from all your responsibilities. Yet good nutrition and physical activity help you cope with stress and maintain your own health and mental alertness.

Rest is also essential. Lack of sleep contributes to carelessness, decreased tolerance for frustration, and depression. Take advantage of free time to nap, read, or just sit quietly.

Feed your soul.
Learn what renews you emotionally and spiritually. Self-nurturing activities restore the spirit—they are our “soul food.” Take a few minutes to begin a list of things you enjoy doing and keep adding to it. Remember the simple things, especially activities that don’t require a lot of advance planning and preparation: reading, movies, gardening, visiting friends.

Don’t forget your spiritual needs. A crisis is an opportunity to learn and grow. Find a spiritual practice that helps you connect with a higher power or inner guidance and that provides you with a greater sense of strength, courage, wisdom, compassion, and peace.

Take heart.
Caring for someone who is ill is challenging, yet it has the potential also to be rewarding. As each moment becomes special, you may experience a heightened awareness of the beauty of life. Your values may shift, perhaps permanently.

When friends tell you to “take care,” take them seriously! Only by caring for yourself can you experience the fulfillment as well as the challenges of your commitment to care for another.

Excerpt taken from Caring for Yourself When You’re Caring for Someone Ill CareNote