Taking the Time You Need to Grieve Your Loss

by Kathlyn S. Miller

I remember the dark night I was driving 55 miles an hour on the interstate and hit a patch of ice. My reflex reaction was to turn the steering wheel away from the direction in which my car was sliding. As a result, I veered across the median strip, narrowly escaped hitting an oncoming semitrailer, and finally came to a stop after glancing off the back bumper of another car. Since that incident, I’ve learned that when driving on ice, it’s a life-giving decision to turn into the slide rather than away from it.

This lesson also applies to dealing with grief. Our reflex reaction is to turn away from this painful process. But the life-giving decision is to meet grief head on—to turn into it, rather than away from it.

Working Your Way Through You need to give yourself permission to grieve for as long as you need—even in the midst of family, friends, and co-workers who may not understand, especially if they haven’t “been there.” This CareNote offers some reflections about grief and practical suggestions of activities you might find helpful during your time of bereavement.

Carve out time to do your grief work. The length of the grief process depends largely on the survivor’s willingness to do his or her grief work. Set aside time daily or several times a week for intentional grief work. Consider using this time to look at pictures or to put together a photo album of your loved one. Play music that reminds you of the one you are missing. Visit the gravesite and talk to your loved one. Write a series of letters to him or her or to God expressing your thoughts.

These activities may bring tears. Tears are the body’s release valve for the emotions of grief, which can be physically destructive if “stuffed” inside. Tears are one of God’s healing balms.

Learn about the normal grief process. “I feel like I’m going crazy” is one of the most common statements made by people in the midst of grief.

You may experience a roller coaster of emotions, including sadness, emptiness, relief, regret, loneliness, and anxiety. You may not be able to sleep or have much of an appetite. You may feel abandoned by God. These—and many other feelings and behaviors—are common responses to loss.

Spend time reading books and articles about the grief process. Attending a support group with fellow travelers on the journey through grief can also help.

If you are feeling “stuck” in your grief, seek out a mental health professional or clergy person with knowledge of grief and loss issues. Reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Create a new relationship with your loved one. “Letting go” of a deceased loved one is a scary thought for most people. Doing grief work does not wipe out the memory of a loved one. On the contrary, one of the real challenges of this time of bereavement is to create a new relationship with your loved one without a physical presence.

Incorporating your loved one’s values and passions into your own life and passing them on to others will create a living memorial that will keep alive the essence of your loved one and bring you comfort.

Take a closer look at your beliefs. It is virtually impossible to experience the death of a significant person in our lives without stirring up spiritual struggles. Those struggles may involve not only our beliefs about the afterlife but also our beliefs about life in the present.

We can choose to believe, for example, that “nothing good can come from this terrible loss” or that “something positive can still come out of this.” We can believe that “I will never love or be happy again” or that “it’s possible I will find love and happiness in the future.” Whatever beliefs we create for ourselves, we will set about gathering evidence to support them. Therein lies the challenge for rebuilding your life.

Look for a turning point. Some people get stuck in their feelings of anger—at God, at the loved one for leaving, at medical personnel, or at themselves for not having done enough. Indulging the feeling of being treated unfairly avoids the hard but healing work of the grief process.

It’s a true turning point in your grief when you are able to give up asking, “Why?” and instead ask, “Now that this has happened, what shall I do?” This new question acknowledges that your life has been forever changed, but that you are open to what is yet to be.

Take heart. As you journey down the path of grief, you may feel you’re wandering in a dense fog—uncertain of what lies ahead or which way to turn. You may wonder if you’ll ever see the sun again.

There are signposts along grief’s path, however, that will help you to know you’re headed in the right direction.

And then one morning you’ll realize that the fog has finally lifted and you’ll see the sun shining brightly once again. May God be with you on your healing journey!

Excerpt taken from Taking the Time You Need to Grieve Your Loss CareNote.