Helping a Child Grieve and Grow

Click here to view the digital CareNote.

by Carol Luebering

When our firstborn was new, I read a news story about the brutal murder of a child. A mother ti­ger roared in my soul as I read the story, and I realized to what great lengths we go to guard our offspring.

That protective instinct is es­sential to our children’s survival. We baby-proof our homes; we teach the danger of the street and the risk of playing with matches. 

And, when death suddenly snatches someone a child loves, we naturally want to shield him or her from grief.

But we have already failed. A child learns grief early in life—from us. The baby who wails when a parent leaves is grieving, expressing the awful pain of separation, the same pain which makes adults cry at funerals.

Working your way through Death has touched a child you love, and you are discovering that you cannot protect the youngster from life’s most painful reality. But, just as you eased the crying baby’s woe, there are ways you can help now.

Tell the truth. Death’s permanence is hard for children to grasp—virtually impossible for a preschooler. You did a good job reassuring the crying baby that you’d be right back, that you always come back. Now you have to teach the other side of the story, and it may take a lot of repeating.

Be honest about your own feelings. They are probably mixed—numbness, sorrow, maybe a little guilt, perhaps relief that a long ordeal has ended, or anger that this life has been snatched from you. Children need to know it’s possible to have several feelings at one time. It helps them understand why adults are acting so strangely.

Explain the cause of death as well as you can. Place blame where it belongs: on the very bad sickness or the accident. Admit that we don’t always know why things happen, especially if you have the painful task of announcing a suicide. Express your religious beliefs with great care. Adults can speak of God’s will because they have struggled with the mysteries of life. But children, whose whole world is ordered by bigger, more powerful people, may perceive God as a great bully.

Address the child’s unspoken feelings. Children’s feelings can’t always be recognized or predicted. One may act the feelings out in misbehavior or in play; another may retreat into silence. Still a third will weep inconsolably one minute and act as if nothing has happened the next. Help the child with the inner storm by talking about likely feelings. Sadness is the obvious emotion to expect after a loss, but not the only one.

Any death brings an array of fears about the imminence of other deaths, including the child’s own. These may surface in the months ahead when, for instance, a child whose brother died of cancer is bedded down with the flu.

A young child’s misinterpretations of cause and effect easily lead to guilt feelings. A child may see death as punishment or as fulfillment of a regretted wish. You can lift that burden from small shoulders, because you know that misbehavior and bad feelings don’t cause illness or accidents.

There’s probably anger in that inner stew as well. The line between separation and abandonment often blurs in young minds.

Ensure ongoing support. Losing a love is not like losing a baby tooth. Healing takes much longer—perhaps many years. The child you love needs time and support to become a person who looks forward to life and love with trust.

In a child’s world, few fates are worse than be­ing different. Grieving children are isolated by difference, afraid of classmates’ pity but hungry for understanding. They will need someone who will let them express—and relieve—their feelings, someone who will help them sort through their memories.

Take heart. No, you cannot protect the child you love from the reality of death. It has intruded into his or her life and the child must face the loss. But you can help him or her deal with painful feelings and hold fast to the good memories.

Excerpt taken from “Helping a Child Grieve and Grow” CareNote.